Lost Community?

On 2 January 2023, it will be a whole year since the publication of my book ‘The Lost Boys of Soho’. And this blog post has been sitting in my drafts for 4 weeks and I am having to re-write it for a third time given I am apparently “too honest” in my views. During the last year, I committed to ‘push the book for a year and then lay it to rest’. I mean how long can you bang on and try to persuade people to buy a book before it becomes tiresome and boring both for them and me?

After months of writing, re-writing, tweaking and finally submitting my manuscript for publication, I had really achieved what I had set out to achieve. And that was to tell, document, and preserve my story. I am not the first or the last with ‘a story’ to tell about the stigma around their HIV status. My time with the ‘Lost Boys of Soho’ was indeed interesting. But ultimately when people said I should tell my story with a book, I did so on the basis I was turning the table on the blackmailer.

Once published I was further persuaded to continue promoting the book and find interesting and intriguing ways to do so. And while this saw the book climb into the top 100 Amazon LGBT best-seller category with over 100,000 copies distributed. I just hoped it would highlight that despite medical advances, HIV stigma is still around when it really shouldn’t be. And in this instance, alarmingly within the LGBT “community” given the blackmailer [Lost Boy] is a gay man himself. I was under no illusion my book was not going to end HIV stigma and bring about world peace. But I hoped it demonstrated that as a gay man now living with HIV that I would not be silenced even by my own “community”.

I have witnessed 20+ years of the LGBT movement recently focusing on silencing if not cancelling the views and opinions of not only those ‘outside’ the acronym but the gays and lesbians themselves within it. And while my Lost Boys of Soho social media accounts during 2022 demonstrated the acronym community is now imploding in on itself as it becomes even more vague as to what it even means to be LGBT+. When did it become so hostile to be gay in the UK? I have so far been able to remain “tapped out” and merely scroll on by, switch off and get on with enjoying my life as opposed to being so hostile and angry. Although as I will share later in this blog post, I will when the time arises stand my ground to state who/what I am which is something you never needed to do years ago.

As a ‘gay man’ who had been introduced to the gay scene at the age of 17 (c.1999) with after-work dinner and drinks in Soho by my gay peers/colleagues from Madame Tussauds. I quickly became a Soho regular. Looking back it was odd really as Soho was littered with brothels identified by shade-less lamps with glowing red buld’s sitting on windowsills in front of a grubby net curtain blowing in the gentle Soho breeze. Women stood in doorways dimly lit with lino-clad staircases behind them either asking if you wanted to come in and join them. Or could clearly see I was gay and would have a bit of a girly chat before pushing me aside when they saw pound signs walking down the street.

My first real venture into a gay bar was the KU bar when it was on Charing Cross Road. Next door but one was 79CXR but that always scared the shit out of a 17-year-old me. G-A-Y Astoria was an adventure and where the gays and lesbians would flock after hitting the local bars. I was there almost every night of the week when it was open. I was never asked for I.D. and I didn’t have any ready, not even a fake I.D. I guess I was never questioned for looking underage given I was perhaps the soberest person in the queue.

Monday was ‘Pink Pounder’ down in the basement under the Astoria Theatre. If I recall correctly it was called ‘mean fiddler’ and I’d always save the red circular flyer, representing a pound coin as entry was £1 with this flyer and you could queue jump (not that I ever saw a queue, it was Monday!). This was from the goody bag you collected from G-A-Y on a Friday that contained promotional flyers for the week, HIV literature, and condoms. Thursday night at G-A-Y Astoria was always “Music Factory” and I never cared for the music on a Thursday. I think it was more house music but the drinks were cheap and you were with ‘the gays’. They sold cans of Carling for a couple of quid and it was BOGOF so you’d be downing one while the other was in your pocket going warm shuck up if you were dancing meaning it was warm and flat by the time you opened it.

Friday night was ‘Camp attack’ which was my favourite night because it was ‘camp’ and Saturday was always a prime booking with a headline act. Boyz magazine was always an essential Friday night pick-up if you left G-A-Y Astoria ‘alone’ as there were pages upon pages of escorts in the back where ‘nothing’ was censored, essentially free porn.

Mobile phones were around but they were not really an accessory that people had or perhaps could afford. And if they did all you could do was make calls, send texts and play snake. You, therefore, relied on your own ‘wits’ and the genuine support and spirit of the LGB (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual (the ‘T’ came later)) community. You made friends easily while queuing outside down Sutton Row where guys would come down selling poppers (Amyl Nitrate) and cigarette lighters from cardboard trays. This was a time when you could smoke inside and if you hit the dance floor in a short sleeve top you’d come out with a few fag burns on your arms where revelers had accidentally caught you. But while you got to know some familiar faces by name, many you just knew as friendly faces to say ‘hello’ to.

TUSSAUDS: 2000 working in the Grand Hall

ASTORIA: Home of G-A-Y

DEMOLISHED: 157 Charing Cross Road 2022

ASTORIA: Main foyer [credit unknown]

I recall going into Astoria one night and being pulled to one side by the door staff on the announcement I had been specially selected. Several guys passing me in the foyer as I stood and waited came and whispered for me not to stay and to follow them into the club. Turned out that they had my ‘interests’ at heart and I only realised when I found myself standing in an office. Being told I was “handsome” with “such broad shoulders” as a letch massaged my shoulders from behind as he walked around me. I had apparently been selected to be a “flyer boy” for G-A-Y Astoria. As I was intent on coming and having a good time the idea of ‘work’ didn’t seem attractive. I know right, but I was 17 or 18 at this point and intent on having a good time. I remember him being quite upset that I was refusing, whatever it was he was ‘offering’ and he told me to never come into the club ever again. The security woman who knew me as a regular face with the odd bit of banter was instructed to kick me out and never let me in again. On the walk down to the entrance she told me to go into the club and enjoy myself ignoring his instruction to have me kicked out. I bumped into some of the guys that had tried to advise me at the entrance who said “you had a lucky escape”. Still to this day, I wonder what they truly meant. It was acts like this along with many other instances where there was a real sense of “community spirit” and where you felt truly safe. Even in such a cruisy space as Astoria there was always someone willing to come and check if you were ok without that act itself being questioned or suspect.

PRESS RELEASE: 2022 The Lost Boys of Soho

From what I heard and experienced of ‘gay nightlife’ today it seems I had just managed to experience the tail end of what it really meant to be part of the LGBT “community”. In 2006 despite being in the middle of a 10-year drag career and working predominantly on the gay scene I had noticed a ‘shift’. I recall almost overnight tuning out of the ‘gay media’ and essentially keeping myself to myself within the “gay community”. I guess it was as social media grew the usual idle gossip, thoughts, and opinions now had a habit of spreading quicker, and essentially as people hid behind keyboards, they went unchallenged. And the more they went unchallenged the more hostile they have become.

Even in gay clubs before going on stage I’d check out the audience and I saw people didn’t interact with people anymore and instead had their heads stuck in their mobiles most likely on their social media. I deleted all my social media in 2012 but before that, I had seen the drivel the gay media was posting and sharing and decided it was not relevant to me nor represented me in the “gay community” so blocked them and resisted reading their articles. Therefore, it was no surprise to me that only 1 of the 23 “LGBTQ+” media outlets responded to my press release for the book. The one that did take the time to respond did so 9 minutes after the press release had been emailed out. He replied:

That’s all the email message contained, barely a line and a half. Nothing more, nothing to clarify as to what he would have me “tone down”? How do you tone down HIV stigma when sharing a true story? It is reasonable to assume he had not read the book nor part of it within less than 9 minutes to justify his statement. And this was a major gay media outlet.

I was slightly perplexed, but, I genuinely didn’t care. I didn’t have targets to meet nor was I under pressure to generate revenue from book sales. I sniggered as it was quite a moronic thing to say and this was from an LGBT media outlet. The press release contained the blurb from the back of the book highlighting that I had been blackmailed by a work colleague for being HIV positive while working in a Soho gay bar. In hindsight, I guess, had I been able to inform the unknown blackmailer to “tone down the stigma” when referring to me having “AIDS” [HIV]. And remind the blackmailer that in this era of cancel culture he should not refer to my HIV as “AIDS” but instead refer to me as ‘a person living with HIV’ before he sends me any more anonymous messages threatening to out me as having “AIDS”.

Yeah, any press coverage would have no doubt shifted a few copies for anyone intrigued to read the full story. But selling books was not my motivation. It was and still is, the fact a gay colleague, in a gay bar in gay Soho used HIV stigma to blackmail me. I assumed that the LGBT+ media would have some interest in reporting on the fact that this is of concern in 2022. So concerning that the individual on the receiving end had the balls to write a book about it while outing himself to the “community” as having “AIDS”, sorry, HIV.

I then sent out several copies of the book to several dedicated ‘gay’ book shops within the UK. This included a written proposal on a ‘sale or return’ basis, at cost price meaning they could retain 100% profit. I received a response from one several months later where again they gave little feedback. Except after thanking me for sending them a copy to consider they stated: “your title won’t appeal to our customer base”.

I was a little taken aback. A true story about a gay man, with HIV once known as the “gay plague”, who experienced ‘HIV stigma’ while working in a gay bar, in gay Soho from a gay colleague. Now documented in a book proposing to stock in your gay bookshop. ‘Who is your customer base’ I wondered!

Again with no specific feedback, I called upon a specialist firm to try and determine what the issue or concern was. A few weeks later they concluded that the only plausible explanation was that the media and such outlets were not quite ready nor willing to promote an exposé on HIV so close to home in 2022. This left me feeling the “gay community” had very much consigned HIV/AIDS to the past and that’s where it should stay. And not to mention the LGBT media’s agenda had changed dramatically as all 6 of my transgender friends stated ‘if this happened to a trans person they’d [media] be all over it’! Once again, my trans friends lost their shit with me for not entirely agreeing with them. But I do believe they have a point but again, I wasn’t too fussed so avoided any future interaction with LGBT media and outlets.

But wait until you hear this.

Two days after sharing I had reached 100,000 copies of both the paperback and eBook on my social media. I received an email on the same thread from the gay bookshop stating “…we would love to stock it”. Well, call it cutting off my nose to spite my face but I couldn’t resist a ‘Pretty Woman’ moment, replying with “I’m sorry your shop no longer appeals to my title”. I mean, the gall. It was clear they had only reached out in a bid to profit. Usually, I don’t mind a ‘cheeky’ request, as the adage goes “don’t ask, don’t get” but this boiled my piss, in fact still to this day it makes me gasp!

Then a friend in the media put me in touch with one journalist from an LGBT publication and we met in the Soho Hotel for an interview. He referred to me as a “queer man” to which I interrupted and stated I was not a “queer man”, I am a “gay man” to ensure his article was accurate. Twice more he referred to me as a '“queer man” to which I was making a mental strike each time he did. I then ended the interview and left when he stated “…as a queer man, writing a queer book”.

If I had behaved as he had in regard to this obsession with pro-nouns and identity I would have had my arse whipped so hard. Also, the ‘G’ in LGBT represents “Gay” as a sexuality which I am, does it not? Also is there not a ‘Q’ on the acronym [LGBTQ] for ‘Queer’ identities? I am of an age where ‘Queer’ was used as a homophobic slur and working in a Soho gay bar I met more people who were 100% heterosexual, male and female who stated they identified as being “Queer”. And it was clear to see why given their fashion and style choices as opposed to their sexuality [LBGT]. It was clear this journalist who I shared with my friend was an “arse wipe” who behaved in a manner that I viewed as deliberate, discriminatory, and militant. And this is another major gay media outlet that has clearly not heard the phrase ‘don’t shit on your own doorstep’.

The last interaction I had with the LGBT media was when I made two separate inquiries for advertising space in a relatively unknown scene magazine. I had only noticed it as it had been delivered to the gay pub I was now working in and I’d not seen it around Soho or any of the gay bars there. I got no response, so talking to my friend in the media he suggested I make an inquiry under an alias and be a little vague on what it was I wanted to advertise. I got a response and several follow-up emails after in a bid to get me to part with my money. Again I couldn’t help but think this rag didn’t want to advertise something that was related to HIV/AIDS given I had shared what the advert was for and the size of advertising space I required, weird?

A couple of offers came in from LGBT media outlets and I had a couple of invitations to join other PLWHIV on their podcasts which I politely declined.

Publishing a book about HIV and HIV Stigma in 2021/2022 and sharing my story on social media was no doubt going to put me in touch with other people living with HIV. But I had already spent almost 2 years in the online '“HIV Community” forum speaking with others living with HIV. I quickly learned that no matter how ‘some’ may declare they have accepted their status, mentally, they had not. This restricted my participation and/or sharing my thoughts and opinions in fear of someone kicking off because you didn’t know what mood you’d find them in.

One instance that sticks in my mind is a woman who stated she was a ‘born again Christian’, you know what’s coming right? She started a thread about HIV and religion and stated that she felt HIV was a punishment from god. Well, I read her post and naturally had an opinion. Not on her religious beliefs, but my experience in becoming HIV positive. I shared that while I contracted, sorry, “acquired” HIV through being raped, sorry, “assaulted”. That, in short, while I didn’t ask nor deserve to be “assaulted” he was only able to do so through my letting him into my home. I spoke to him on Grindr and extended the invitation to visit me, therefore, god played no role in my contracting, sorry, “acquiring” HIV. I had made some poor decisions, not an alleged ‘god’.

Well, you can imagine the response I got in return by which time I left the HIV forum and have not returned. So any thoughts that PLWHIV are all happy-clappy and the best of friends is anything but. And those living with HIV I have met in person and/or virtually seem to have their own ‘brand’ in terms of sharing their story and sharing the U=U [undetetcable = untransmittable] message.

I saw one representing a HIV charity on Twitter who was sharing a fair amount of disinformation which I found incredibly concerning. I chose not to raise concern and merely blocked him on an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ theory. I am no expert myself on HIV but I knew enough to raise an eyebrow and cross-check some facts with the drivel he was sharing. I put some of his statements to my clinic who were shocked at what I was repeating. I remember mentioning this in the forum and the born-again Christian had quite a bit to say, mainly speaking ill of my clinic. But what was more alarming was the charity itself was liking all his social media posts, I assume not interested in the content and disinformation he was sharing but merely liking for ‘clout’ [like for like activity].

The guy in question popped up while I was viewing stories on Instagram of my followers. It was a sound bite of the guy saying that he was an “HIV advocate” and that his presence on social media and volunteering was a way for him to cope with his own diagnosis. I understood that to be the case but felt it was concerning that while this may help him come to terms with his HIV diagnosis with the misguided notion he is doing good. It is not helpful for others to come to terms with an HIV diagnosis nor championing the work of the charity by sharing such misinformation.

I too appeared to be irritating to a few on my social media platforms, although it was surprising who I irritated. Platforms that record analytic data including my own website linked to my social media platforms, in this instance data from my Instagram identified specific accounts.

It was disappointing to learn that 44 Instagram accounts of individuals identifying as ‘HIV Activists’ followed me and at some point put me on “mute”. The real eye-opener for me was 11 HIV charities also muted me, yikes! If we have nothing in common and/or you no longer wish to see my content then I’d much prefer you unfollowed. But then I was told this falls down to ‘clout’ and having the same interest, in this case “HIV” then the connection alone will draw in other ‘followers’ and ‘likes’ etc. Does ‘clout’ attract and get PLWHIV and its allies onboard to help achieve your goals and objectives as a charity? Who knows but as this data came through I made it easy for them and removed and blocked them from my account. While PLWHIV who are open about their status have their own unique ‘brands’, I do think a great alliance from time to time allows us to make a stand together and make a real difference in numbers. I mean, not one person alone can make a positive change, it takes an army. If there is no opportunity for us to even engage with each other because I have been placed on ‘mute’ then what’s the point?

As the royalties rolled in I felt uncomfortable that I was somehow profiting from the AIDS pandemic. Yes it was my story, yes it was my HIV and yes many told me to consider it compensation on behalf of the blackmailer. For weeks I wondered who I could give it to although the statistics above ruled out many of the big HIV charities that had ‘muted’ me. Then I found a coalition of charities and I felt the donation would be well placed.

I considered perhaps sending a monthly donation anonymously and in retrospect, I wish I had gone down this route. Instead, I put together a draft proposal in writing to float the idea of offering a percentage of the royalties from each purchase of both the paperback and ebook. This could also include some promotion of the charity on the cover of the book to raise awareness for their cause while informing the reader a contribution from their purchase would benefit this particular charity. While I had been approached by a few ‘playwrights’ who had read the book I also intended to include in my upcoming writing of my last will and testament, the rights to the book, particularly for any future proposed play/film to the charity. A bit presumptuous I know, but you never know.

About two months later I get a call out of the blue from a long-standing friend who asked if I had made this proposal. I stated I had and then asked how on earth he knew about it. He shared he had crossed paths with someone involved with the charity and my book and proposal became the subject of some serious tea spilling. By all accounts, he shared with my friend some very unsavory information along with toxic views and opinions of both my book and my proposal. A mix of my friend trying to spare my feelings and myself by nature not fully invested in the ins and outs had heard enough for me to withdraw the offer.

It was at this point midway through 2022 that I started to disengage with any ‘organisation‘ affiliated with the “community” and the only saving grace was the book itself was naturally doing well so my story was getting out there. And I didn’t have any targets or goals to reach as I stated at the outset of this post, publishing my book/story was an achievement in itself. That my story of HIV stigma as a published book is in its own right an archived account that maybe one day someone may look back on as books can be withdrawn from print, but can never be deleted with an ISBN number. Also during the course of 2022 I was in a constant battle with fake reviews left by 3 of the ‘Lost Boys’ on Amazon and other sites. I had to prove that these usernames were affiliated with the book, which was hard as I had to give them alias names for legal reasons. This saw a dispute arise with Amazon who in the end stopped the ability of reviews to be published.

The LGBT media and some of the HIV charities may have muted, unfollowed, and silenced me. But I must say the small select following I have gained on the likes of Instagram. Are primarily people I often interact with as opposed to those seeking followers for ‘clout’ and/or ‘like for like’. But it is disappointing that not only does HIV stigma seem to be embedded within a very small minority of individuals within the LGBT community. But also as I have experienced first-hand HIV stigma is bizarrely endemic within ‘some’ of the LGBT individuals and organisations. That claim to be united by a common social culture to celebrate individuality, sexuality, and above all ‘diversity’. A “community” that still wishes to dodge HIV and HIV stigma like the plague, the “gay plague”.