Me, HIV & Dating

**2014 THEN:** Me HIV Negative & my partner HIV Positive.

So this blog post has been sitting in my drafts, unfinished since 20 August 2022 given I realised my only experience with dating since being HIV positive was, well, zilch! And to a degree it still is, however, having somewhat ‘virtually’ dipped my toe this blog post may now be deemed post-worthy.

When it comes to me and dating there is not much difference post-HIV diagnosis. Pre-assault and HIV diagnosis I had split after 2 years with my Portuguese ex who lived and still does, in Barcelona and is HIV positive. Despite the distance, we both made the effort to see each other every two weeks either in London, Barcelona, or scouting for the cheapest flight and meeting up in a European city. We had some great times but like most, we both started saying “I need a holiday, from the holiday” and after 2 years we called it a day.

I spent the following five years in an LTR with myself and work essentially. During this time, I had a couple of dates from matches I made on Tinder. Although I recall I had dates, I truly can not remember who they were with or where we had them. I just know I had a couple of ‘drink’ dates. Lost Boy Rudy once commented I had the most bizarre way of scrolling through tinder. I generally only look at the first photo and if he doesn’t spark an ‘interest’ I swipe left. I also swipe left at speed if it’s a group photo or if they are topless. I haven’t got time for playing ‘where’s wally’ and if you have your top off as your only USP, then I’m not interested, I want a little more ‘up there’ [taps head].

I also swipe left if I see they live in “Londres” and if they state “no tories” in their bio. Despite my being politically homeless, why would you judge someone on their political belief/interest? You can not discriminate on the basis of “beliefs” political or otherwise, especially when their bio claims they are a passionate defender of the Equality Act.

A tinder match once spouted “section 28” and was a labour supporter and failed miserably to acknowledge that Labour too blocked, voted against and made some sassy remarks when it came to gay rights. It was merely the time society lived and usually a time when they were not even born. But are gobby enough to somehow spout ‘Section 28’ as though it affected them and who they feel they are today!

And of course, I am to be cancelled for having a different opinion on section 28 as it was enforced when I was at school between 1988 -1999, years Section 28 was effective. My school years were the best years a kid could have wished for. Look at me, gay as fuck, living my best gay life and with what was known back then as the “gay plague” [HIV] (gotta laugh). The point being section 28 didn’t stop me from being gay nor did my northern school try to change who I was and believe me, they knew.

But not to date someone on their political belief/interest because it is not aligned with your own. Tells me you are not as inclusive as you so self-righteously claim to be. And generally in life, you’re not open to debate and compromise which are essential in a healthy relationship. So as much as I sound like I am moaning, they are doing me a favour really as being politically homeless I seek someone who is tolerant and has the ability to have a difference of opinion and healthy debate.

The only things that have changed with me and dating post-HIV diagnosis are my wardrobe and my interest, or rather lack of interest in dating. I have retained tinder as the only dating app but hardly go on. I calculated twice the frequency I swipe ‘right’ [like] and my little study showed on average I swipe right 2% of the time. And with those I match with, 0% lead to any form of conversation. I often type a quick hello and before I have the chance to hit send they have unmatched. A ‘Lost Boy’ told me Tinder is now a hook-up app and guys just swipe right at speed in order to see who they match with and then decide if the match is of interest or not. To me, that seems cruel if not desperate on their part and didn’t believe it was true until I experienced it myself.

And as for my wardrobe, it is pretty plain and as Lost Boy Rudy once said when having a rummage through my wardrobe “it’s very basic”. In that, it pretty much consists of plain hoodies and sweatshirts. And for as much as over the last 3 years being HIV positive I have slung out clothes with the intention of buying new as perhaps an unintentional ‘rebirth’. Working long hours in pubs and bars that just require you to wear plain tops I generally just spend my spare time in the same comfy and unrestrictive sweatshirts and hoodies. I have items at the back of my wardrobe I could wear for a date but it still doesn’t motivate me to get out on the dating scene. But as a sort of loose New Year’s Resolution, I did say to myself I need to focus on a new wardrobe this year [2023].

Since launching the book and having social media I have had several guys approach me on Instagram. I have never been one to mix business with pleasure, even if it’s my own business. But I have seemingly attracted a lot of lonely men over the age of 60 in my DM’s. Most have been very gracious in me politely brushing off their advances. Although two told me I should be grateful they even expressed an interest at all given I have HIV and they didn’t. To which I couldn’t resist replying to one with “even people with HIV have standards”.

But there was one guy that got my attention.

It started with the odd like and comment and then slowly turned into messages on WhatsApp which then turned into a mutual sweatbox of saucy comments, images and loose declarations. He is also HIV positive and had recounted posts I had made on the HIV forum so to a degree he was not entirely a stranger. He shared that as we are both HIV positive this made life easier in that we didn’t need to jump that hurdle in sharing our status. He is adorable, he has the most gorgeous eyes and a cute button nose, and talking to him via message gave me butterflies. Something a cold-hearted bitch like me rarely gets. We agreed to meet for drinks in London and I even offered to make a traditional Swiss Cheese fondue, something friends always ask me for.

We did meet up briefly at the end of January 2023 for a few drinks and he stayed over. We both behaved and he was pleasant and interesting to get to know but nothing more came of it which I thought was a shame. Within a week of having met he ‘ghosted’ me.

On a separate note, you’d think dating someone who is also HIV positive makes life easier but you have to remember. Some living with HIV have complex issues relating to their diagnosis, status, and stigma. Some I have spoken to have shared that being in a relationship and that feeling of being loved can reduce self-stigma. And for a time stops or reduces the reliance or dependency on drugs and alcohol. But like all relationships, the novelty wears off after the ‘honeymoon period’ and the possibility of self-stigma may start to resurface and thus affecting their relationship.

Many PLWHIV share they are nervous if not daunted by the prospect of having to share their status at the start of a relationship. The fear of more stigma and/or rejection can only be avoided with someone who already has sound knowledge of HIV today. Or the ability for PLWHIV to be able to share their status in a manner that puts the potential partner at ease and reassures them of U=U. And while I have not dated or had to share my HIV status in a dating scenario. I did experience my ex-partner telling me he was HIV positive when I was HIV negative. He was so nervous he shared his status with me in such a depressing and serious way that it threw me completely so much so I thought he was about to die.

Me, I am not daunted by the prospect of being rejected for sharing my HIV status. I have had enough rejection to be almost immune to it and will be able to shrug it off easily. And my dating profile experiences the same level of disinterest on dating apps from other users. That I am confident my HIV status, although not disclosed is not a factor that I am still single.

And of course, there are many positive couples that have long and healthy relationships. And from what they shared with me they are able to support and be there for each other as they both mutually understand what it is like living with HIV.

SINGLE: I’m a catch lol

Some of the service providers who work within HIV have mentioned me considering a relationship and when I state “I’m not that interested in looking for one” meaning I am not actively searching. But believe or rather live in the hope one will happen spontaneously when I least expect it. I get met with their textbook response "Yes you’re still coming to terms with your diagnosis"‘. No, I just can’t be arsed! And they will continue to try and convince me they are right because they learned it in a webinar or a training day at a Days Inn hotel on the edge of an M25 service station. You will be amazed at how many HIV experts there are that know more about living with HIV despite not living with it, and that gets on my fucking tits!

As I state in my book, I came to terms with my HIV diagnosis by day 3 after it was confirmed. The national covid-19 lockdown meant I had additional time to come to terms with my diagnosis as nobody was supposed to be meeting strangers or those outside their household. I am not afraid of sharing my status with a date, I might be nervous but I am not scared at the prospect. I mean, after all, I have published a book declaring my HIV status.

I have not disclosed my status on my tinder profile given I understand most of those on PrEP act entitled when it comes to looking down their nose at us living with HIV. Society is always driven to ‘look’ and ‘move forward’ yet in my experience and those I have spoken to living with HIV. The heterosexual community seems to be more understanding of HIV today with a more forward-thinking approach. This is the opposite of the 1980s and 1990s during the AIDS pandemic when the straight community discriminated against the gay community for AIDS/HIV.

Yet the LGBT community that once sympathised with those within their own community impacted with HIV/AIDS now looks down their nose at PLWHIV and is happy to dish out HIV stigma left right and centre. But dare you allegedly mis-gender or use an alleged wrong pronoun and shit hits the fan. The LGBT community, an acronym based on ‘sexuality’ has been tarnished by those that latched on with an ‘identity’ crisis. And it seems this self-righteousness attitude and intolerance of anyone who’s already established and/or overcome a crisis [HIV/AIDS] in society is now a target.

It seems, to be kind to PLWHIV in this decade given the fight the HIV/AIDS community overcame. Despite the considerable and painful loss is somehow unjustified with this set [‘woke’ used loosely] of people who are just so angry and intent on being malicious. And it has not gone unnoticed that the LGBT press/media have taken sides with an incoherent “movement” that has seen society be more hostile towards the “LGBT community” i.e Pronouns, Cis Women, Womens rights etc. [2022/23] slowly undoing all the good work for tolerance and equality that took decades to achieve by the LGB and later LGBT community.

Then there is Grindr, not a dating site and never has been. I have been on and off Grindr for years since the days of internet sites such as Gaydar and Squirt. I saw a shift in Grindr around 2015 where its users now had “not looking for a random hook up” splashed on their profiles along with “looking for meaningful LTR” and I literally used to piss my pants. It was the emerging twinks that thought Grindr was a serious dating site to have what is considered a “traditional date”. I mean hats off to them but trying to reclaim Grindr was one battle they were bound to lose, and seemingly have.

And of course, it was Grindr that was the platform that put me in touch with my attacker who used the app to seek someone to hook up with. And unfortunately, that was me. Becoming HIV-positive Grindr was the last thing I wanted to see so it took around 19 months before I downloaded it again.

This was towards the end of 2021 and walking out of the Lost Boys pub in Soho. I opened Grindr and in 20 days had 11 guys. I know right what a complete tramp! But I enjoyed each encounter and was completely satisfied, I was even recognised by a customer of the Lost Boys pub which was awkward. But I was due to have my bloods [HIV] done and at the same time a sexual health screening so I thought I’d have as much fun as possible. When I had my blood and my STI screen it all came back clear and subsequently so. And as I write this I have had no action at all for 14 months. Mainly due to the fear of catching monkeypox but also as my clinic have stopped screening HIV patients with the usual STI test. And I am not sure where else to turn for testing. I tried three times during 2022 to obtain a Monkeypox vaccine but was turned away each time as not qualifying.

In November 2021 Grindr was not only going to put me in touch with hot guys for some sinful action. But as I chatted with guys that were meters away from me and seemingly lived on my street, declared as we chatted that they were HIV positive. This was generally before they wanted to ‘hook up’ and I asked if they were U=U and they stated they were. With that, I wondered why they even bothered sharing their status with me at all if they are U=U as they are not bound by law in England to disclose. And as this was a mere sexual encounter with no risk at all, why even bother mentioning it? Why not enjoy U=U and the luxury of not having to disclose your HIV-positive status.

So one guy lives bang opposite me on the other side of the street, we didn’t have sex as my HIV knowledge on U=U distracted us from the act itself and we chat often. Then there is a guy a few doors down who is positive. Then there is a guy around 20 doors down, he is positive and we got down and dirty and still chat often. And then there is another guy a little further down who is positive and we too got jiggy, more than once. And all these guys have good jobs and lovely homes in an upmarket part of Islington so HIV really does not discriminate.

With all of them, I said their HIV status was not an issue and this seemingly made their day and I felt good that I was able to make them feel good about themselves and their status. Although I was in the knowledge I could not catch/contract/acquire HIV from them as they are U=U (Undetectable = Untransmittable). Anyhow, whether we had sex or met up for a cuppa and cake I shared with them I too was HIV positive which blew their minds. This to them meant we could be just like the golden girls given we all had something in common that a minority still have trouble understanding.

And it was only recently I heard the phrase I hear often on Grindr “are you clean” doesn’t mean what I thought it meant. I have always answered “yes” to that question believing it meant had I showered or at the very least had I anally douched if I was intending to bottom. All these years I thought these are conscientious guys who want my cock to taste of Original Source Mint and not dairylea triangle. When in fact the term “are you clean” is gay speak for are you ‘HIV negative’. As the question is redundant to me and for as long as I remain U=U I will still answer in vain that I have just showered and scrubbed my bum crack and behind my helmet. But I am not sure if it is me or my age now I have turned 40 but when I look at Grindr I just go ‘meh’! I don’t bother answering half the messages I get. And I just can’t be arsed having sex what with the suspense of an STI test and the results/treatments. I very much continue to enjoy knowing I have no STIs.

For the time being!

“HIV STIGMA” SO LAST CENTURY, LITERALLY.

THE WARD - REVISITED